MIL Money Issues

Hi everyone, sorry for a long message. Obligatory: DO NOT STEAL - REUSE MY STORY. Context: MIL lives in Southeastern Europe. I live in Western Europe. My MIL and I had a very close and wonderful relationship. Since I didn't have a mother, I grew a great bond with my MIL. I never liked how she treated her children regarding her asking for money. They would go to university, and she would expect money from their scholarships (insane). But I really tried to distance myself from my relationship with her and her children. Anyway, since we got married (7 years ago), we moved to a new country far away from her (I still kept a very close relationship with her). Now that our status has changed from a couple to a married couple, I don't like how she asks. I have realized that she is super manipulative. She would go to her daughter and make her feel bad that she "doesn't have money" to go on vacation or whatever she wants to use the money for. She is doing this indirectly, without using the words "I need money, send me money." So, SIL would call my husband, and she is not asking for money for her mother but would command him. She will say a statement like, "You must give this or that much money." This would piss me off (but that’s a story for another time).

Two years ago, I bought my MIL a car. I promised to buy her a car (years ago - when I didn't know her too well) as she uses it a lot and needed one. I saved and made sure to buy it first before doing something for myself. I was still trying to distance myself from the abuse she was doing to her children. I hate the word ‘abuse’ but there is no other word I can describe it. After buying the car, my SIL called my husband just two weeks later, asking for a huge amount of money. She had discussed this with her mother, and together, without even asking my husband, they made a plan on how to take money from him for some project in her house. This time, I got pissed and was so confused about how it was possible these people are never grateful and always try to harm and not help. How?

I told my husband that this is the limit, and I cannot accept a person who uses her children this way. I lost respect for my MIL. As I realized, she is only good if you buy her gifts and give her money. But it also affected my relationship with my husband as well. For many years, I told him I don’t like how SIL is ordering you for money like you're a money machine. Very disrespectful, and sometimes she would do it in front of me in a very aggressive way. (The reason, I believe her behavior was aggressive while ordering my husband to send money is that she is so jealous that my husband, her brother, is doing really well with work and everything else - but again, that’s a story for another time). Anyway, my husband ignored my concerns for so many years, even though sending money all the time was affecting our daily life.

So, I lost respect, I talked to my husband about how I didn't want to speak with them both ever again and would like to cut contact with them. My husband has begged me so many times not to do that and has asked me to keep my distance from MIL (because she is the way she is) but still keep talking, at least when we visit each other. I agreed to do this for MIL, as at least we have had a relationship before, but not for SIL.

It has happened that MIL would ask me also to do stuff for her at home, even though I had just moved to a new country with no job. She would make me feel bad, saying, "Look, my daughter did this for you," implying that I was the one who should have contributed to her house. This made me extremely uncomfortable.

So, now my husband has finally realized that sending money to her will never be enough, as she is not grateful. At least this is how I see it. So, he is still sending her money but not as much as before. I feel she doesn't deserve any. I grew up watching family members doing everything for their kids, helping and supporting them in every possible way - not vice versa. However, I feel like it’s not fair to us. After all this, and I was always happy to help, I realized they, especially her, never did anything for us. We moved to a new country, and I didn't have any job the first two years. Instead of helping, she would talk on the phone with me and again indirectly tell me that I have to bring her money so she can do something at her house, which is also "my house" according to how she describes it. After all these stressful periods that she has created for me, I have realized that wait! She never did anything and offered help to us. And all this time she is asking for money in the most manipulative way possible. With what audacity?

Also, to give context, she is working, she has a salary, and her husband too. The way she lives makes it seem more likely she has money, and her problem is that she is a shopaholic, she just has no concept of budgeting, not that she’s actually broke. It's unfair that now at her age, she wants money from her kids for holidays, to chill, to save, to buy everything, and also to buy stuff for her home on top of everything.

I also have to clarify that I have felt that their communication within the family is so odd. They would never describe what the problem is so we can help them properly. They never told how much they make and why they cannot afford things that they want to afford. Instead, she just wants money. And that, to me, is unfair.

After the whole thing where I bought the car and they asked for a lot of money, I have suffered so much from anxiety and OCD. I had to go to psychiatry, and for 9 months I have been treated. Gladly, I have no anxiety now. However, I have OCD and constantly think about how she (MIL) treated us unfairly and how she still acts like we/I need to do something for her. Every time I meet her, she would say, "Oh, I need to buy this, but it’s expensive," implying I need to buy something. When I go there, I feel so bad for her the way she describes herself, and then when I travel back, I say to myself, "How on earth can a person be so manipulative and make me feel like she is broke and oh poor woman." When I am there, I even tell my husband, "Please remember to leave them money." Seriously, I feel bad for her. But I don’t feel bad for my FIL; they are in the same situation. That’s why I realise she is so manipulative. My FIL never made me feel like they are in very bad conditions money-wise. Also, I have a culture that you usually stay with MIL, especially if it’s only you visiting them for vacation. I know. Anyway, I have tried to avoid her greatly, and when I go there, I do not go out with her, only if there are other family members. I will never want her to make me feel bad as she is this poor woman. And what bothers me the most is that she is mentioning to me all the time how much she has done for me and her children. And, in reality, she hasn't done anything. I don't see it. But, seriously the pressure is so high. I really want to tell her that she hasn't done anything for us, in the nicest way possible, so she never ever mentions it again. The problem is that she is a person who doesn't like to listen and is very aggressive. I really would like to tell her in the best possible way, so she never mentions that she has ever done something for us. I know that I can let this go and ignore this, but I really can't. I don't know how.

I have been very careful with whom I have talked to; people who know her family or not. And you would be surprised but 100% of them told me that my MIL is very difficult person. And most of them have had some sort of issues with her . However, even though she is difficult and manipulative, I really want to make it clear to her, but I don't know how. Do you have any idea how to do this in the best possible way? Please, give me some advice.

P.s Now because I have put some boundaries, she hasen’t asked for money. My husband has made them clear to where we stand. (Finally after so many years). My SIL, luckily hasn’t asked him anymore. She respects our boundaries. I am not sure how long it will last for MIL, but I will keep myself distance as I think if you try to be a little nice to her, she will immediately misuse your kindness. I don’t trust her a bit!