My husband thinks that because my mom gifts me things from time to time that she isn’t a true narcissist and has a heart

When I met my husband I was NC with my NM and NF. I tried explaining to him that my mother was odd ever since I was a child. I remember some weird memories. One memory I had was I was at a doctors office and I saw that a secretary had candy. I went up to her and used my cuteness that I knew I had to get some candy. I talked to her and smiled and she said I was cute and gave me some candy. When me and my mom got in the car she turned to me and looked very angry. She said “how dare you cause a distraction in the waiting room and for what?! Candy?!? You think you’re so cute don’t you?!? You little brat!”. I thought her reaction was over the top and couldn’t understand why she would be so upset. But then I had the strange feeling that she was perhaps jealous of me in some way.

When I was a teenager other moms would talk to my mom and compliment me on how beautiful I was and how thin I was. My mom would say “oh yea she is “ and make a face like she wasn’t pleased at the conversation. It was like she didn’t want to hear people say nice things about me.

I did poorly in school at times and meetings were called at school. The school insisted it appeared that I didn’t have the best home life and shared that I felt I wasn’t properly supported at home. My mom said I had everything I could possibly ask for and that perhaps I had some sort of learning disorder. The school argued with her until she threatened a lawsuit and they finally conceded and placed me in a special needs class where I felt out of place. The teachers communicated to me that they felt I didn’t belong there but that I can have a great life after this was all over, in spite of who my parents are. They encouraged me to have self esteem, because my mother was always putting me down in ways that were subtle enough so that she could always say she never said that or that I interpreted that wrong . I lived life thinking I was defective for a long time.

Love was conditional. I had to be on her side about everything and want to help her, even if she wasn’t helping me ….just to get the scraps of attention from her. My brother who I consider the golden child in the family , has accepted the role of always stroking my parents egos and never standing up to them. He says what he thinks about them to me behind their backs. He competes for their resources with me and is willing to say bad things about me to make me look bad so that he always looks like the good golden child. He has depended on them completely financially. They have never taught him any major life skills to survive and he has crippling depression that prevents him from getting away from these people who treat him as a pawn for errands and help but always make sure to make him feel like he’s a burden at the same time. I feel bad for my brother but I also do not trust him And so I don’t speak to him either .

Both of my parents use denial to cope with the past of how things happened and have selective memory. When speaking to them about how I was molested as a child my mother starts going on tangents of saying that the doctor inspected me and said I wasn’t raped very matter of factly. My husband hearing this politely told her that she appeared to be minimizing my experience by saying these things, and it sounds like she didn’t think it happened . She said “I didn’t say that! I’m just telling you what the doctor told me.” At another occasion with the same convo she started talking about the Michael Jackson trial and about the power of suggestion. She spoke about how children are sensitive to the power of suggestion and how a therapist simply asking if a child has ever been molested could create false memory of this in a child’s mind who had not been abused. It was as if she was trying to say in an indirect way that I could be making the whole thing up. When called out on it though she will say “well no that’s not what I said”.

I had asked my mother numerous times for money (she’s a multi millionaire) for doctors bills related to my health issues . She was witness to my suffering and pushing myself through working even when I was disabled as I awaited approval for social security disability. She claimed that she was going through a divorce and was in “dire straits” to everyone . She said when it was all over she would help. I remembered that. Years later after she got divorced I mentioned it is so great that she can finally help now. She said that she didn’t get much from the divorce and then she immediately changed the subject. Me and my husband saw her public divorce documents and called her out to which she replied “that’s none of your business how much money I have!” . Then she proceeded to imply that I was a liar, presumably as if to say I was making my illness up. She had the nerve to accuse me of lying about things when she was caught in a lie about not having money.

My mother is anti trump and wears a Che Guevara pin on her jacket. She is friends with all ethnicities and those of all sexual orientations and genders. Last time I spoke to her she went off about how Trump didn’t pay his taxes. I think she’s getting old and doesn’t remember telling me how many times her and my father sheltered their money in foreign accounts. She goes to food pantries as a multi millionaire! She argued with my husband about helping to pay for a $500 medical bill and said “get her poor people insurance to cover it . You know Medicaid”. My husband told her it wouldn’t. She tried to get him to falsify things so they would cover it . Then I got into a car accident and I was going to have trouble affording a car. My husband called up my mom and told her that I needed one right away to get to doctors appointments . She wired him -14,000. He got mad and said that’s not enough to buy her a decent car that will run good . Send more. She sent 7 grand more.

After this my husband thought she wasn’t a narc. Why would she give me a car? Then he asked her for a house and said he knew her finances from the divorce as they are public record. He said we are living in a small condo and it’s moldy and not good for my health and after all I’ve been through with her the least she can do is make sure I have basic needs. She said “so what now I have to buy you guys a house? This is ridiculous”. I felt it was a pittance for the years of neglect and abuse I went through. But she hung up the phone.

I still wonder why she bought me a car at all. I have a few theories. Maybe she has narcissistic traits but isn’t full blown NPD. So she cares about me in that round about way of wanting to know I have basic needs but when it comes to my happiness or actually thriving that is too much to ask in her mind and is not her responsibility. Or it could be because she respects my husband and how he told her to give the money to me, as if she needs to be told what is right and wrong. Another theory is that she sees the car as a way to keep me close to her in order to control me . She thinks if she doesn’t give me some gifts here and there for dealing with her BS I can just walk away and she wants a punching bag. What are your thoughts about this ? Do you think she sounds like full blown NPD or just has some narcissistic traits ? Not sure if it matters that much.