Conflicted and Miserable

I'm at a point in my Navy career where there's a lot of uncertainty. Struck a rate about a year ago and advanced to PO3 last December and PCS'ing to Norfolk in March. All of that in itself is very gratifying, but in hindsight, I spent the majority of my 1st contract in misery. It's like I've lost touch with reality. Being in Japan and having easy access to alcohol (The Honch) and cigarettes (started smoking a pack a day since I've been OCONUS) has tarnished my reputation at my current command. I've lost the drive to bathe daily and maintain good hygiene. It's a struggle at this point to even get out of my rack in the morning.

The drive that I had in boot camp and A-school is almost all gone, partly due to the presence of a rigid routine with structure and the euphoric feeling of graduating, but in the midst of this, I was ignorant to the politics and morale of the fleet. With the Navy continuously lowering its standards, I've lost the pride that I once had and have since descended into misery. I constantly look for a scapegoat to whom I can spread that misery in order to maintain some of my sanity because I otherwise don't trust anyone in the Navy and I have this mindset that they're adding to the morale issues that come with serving, even if this isn't necessarily true.

The purpose of this post is to see if any of you are going through the same plight and the solutions you guys have to breaking the vicious cycle. I have to change because in my mind, I want to serve my 20 (or more) and make the most out of my career. I want to attain any qual within my reach and grow and develop as a sailor, but more importantly as a person. I want to find love and start a family one day but how can I do all of this if I'm at a constant war with myself?

..and I don't want pity, but rather the truth.