Tanataphphobia: fear of death.

Tw: panic attacks, anxiety, suicidal ideation. Don't force yourself to read.

I have near daily panic attacks about the idea of dying and being dead. I know it's innavoidable and I'm not looking for people to tell me "enjoy life while you can!!" I'm trying.

I started having this fear when I was 4 and my grandmother passed away from cancer. It was hard on the family given my culture prides itself on family and keeping family close. But not long after this I was taken to a planetarium and when it mentioned the fact the sun will one say explode I had a panic attack there and then. I continued to have this extreme anxiety for years until I suddenly stopped when I was seven.

When I was eleven to fourteen I became suicidal. I only ever attempted once but even then it wouldn't have killed me, so I lived and just never told anyone. But, fairly recently my grandfather passed away and he used to love astrophysics. Finding his old college notes threw me right back into a heavy panic attack and remembering my attempt and remembering my younger panic attacks, I just can't help but feel so much fear. I'm trying to live a fulfilling life and I'm doing everything my old therapist told me to do! But I keep having these panic attacks and feeling sick and horrified.

My friend (works in mental health) thinks I have an anxiety disorder that needs treated, and I'm thinking of going to the doctor soon. I mostly jist wanted to post this here as proof? To justify my anxiety in a way.

Sorry, thanks for reading if you got this far. Have a nice day.