My ex is dead and it’s my fault

TW: suicide

She (A) and I (both 23) dated since we were 19. We had a great relationship. She was so funny, so kind, so sweet, but a little chaotic and unstable. She had some mental health struggles but so did I. We never really fought or had issues. The only issue that came up was me..

I started a new job that we were both excited for. At this job, I met my current gf (b) She and I would go out to lunch everyday and slowly we started falling for each other. I knew A was kinda jealous and kinda insecure, but she kept it in. But I can see how uncomfortable she got when I talked about B.

I know I’m a POS

I started having an affair with B. I would tell A I had interviews and meetings, but I was just going to Bs apartment she shared. This went on for a few months.

Bs roommates were unbearable and it really started to affect her. I suggested she live with me since the apartment I had with A was in my name. She agreed.

I went home to A and of course that day she had made an amazing dinner and was all hugs and smiles. I almost didn’t have the conversation I needed to have. But I told her what was happening. I saw the light in her eyes fade. She started crying and started packing her bags right away. I tried to comfort her and tell her she didn’t have to go yet, but she said she couldn’t be here any longer.

I asked B to help me with her and she came over, which might’ve made things worse. A stood still, looking B up and down before she started crying again. I’m sure she felt unbelievably insecure seeing b there.

A grew angry, snapping at us when we were just trying to help her. She loaded most of her stuff in her car and drove off that night. I tried calling her because I didn’t know where she was even going. She was probably planning on sleeping in her car. She did that when she was homeless.

She blocked me on everything. She didn’t take any calls or texts. She became radio silent.

A few weeks later, I got a call from her dad. I took a deep breath and answered it. He started yelling and screaming and I was confused. Then he said that A is dead. A committed suicide while she was staying with her dad. I didn’t know what to think. I still don’t. I can’t believe it.

B has been sobbing, blaming herself for this. I know it’s my fault. I know I did this. I should’ve never let this happen. Now, all I want is A back. I wish I had never betrayed her or at least broke up with her first. I’m starting therapy in a few days.