found out i’m having twins yesterday at my first u/s. freaking out.

everyone keeps telling me “oh it’s such a blessing, oh i wish i had twins, you are so lucky, ugh you’re having my dream pregnancy!” and it does not make me feel better in the slightest. i’m terrified. i’m absolutely scared shitless. my husband and i tried for almost a year before being put on the lowest dose of letro available - and somehow it ended up working super well and creating twins. don’t get me wrong - i’m so thankful for this. i’m grateful to even be pregnant in the first place. but i never even dreamed of twins - they don’t run in our family at all. i never imagined twins. i cant wrap my mind around caring for two babies. we were nervous about one baby, but we were ready for the challenge. but two…

i fear that there’s a part of me deep deep down that maybe wishes one baby doesn’t make it or gets reabsorbed, which i know is so so so so awful and i feel horrible for saying it. but this is all just so much. i left work today because i just couldn’t hand it. i’ve been on the couch sleeping, throwing up, bawling my eyes out, rinse and repeat since coming home.

i know i should be grateful. i know i should be happy that im getting two for one… but its so hard to feel that way when this was never something you imagined. ever.