I'm a terrible person

I knew I never wanted to have kids in the first place, I always knew that I didn't want responsibilities ahead of myself and I knew I'd be a bad dad because of it. I hated the idea of having a cat even, being unable to live my life on my whims and pack up and leave one day with nothing behind me, I couldn't take the thought of anything weighing me down. My wife knew this while we were dating and I reminded her when we married, and she understood. I know I still love her but I don't think I'd have let things go this far if I knew this was the way they were going to end. I look back at how I got here and I resent myself so much, I was so inert, things happened to me and I didn't do anything, I should have done something. I was always really careful, and I thought we were on the same page but she seemed to have a change of heart, she decided to go through with it and despite everything else I had at least some moral conviction and knew I had to stay but I've been miserable since then and I hate myself for it.

I know I'm a terrible person, it's not like the kid goes hungry or that I'm not there, but I don't want to be and when it doesn't matter I steal myself away. I know I'm selfish, I don't even like smoking weed and getting drunk isn't pleasant anymore but every minute not sober is a minute where I don't feel like I'm a father anymore, where I don't remember that there's something I can't walk out on and that I don't have to come home today, I don't know how I can do this for the rest of my life. I'm not young anymore and I didn't get to live my life the way I wanted because of this one thing, I know that's a pathetic way to feel regardless, very few people get to live the way they wanted their life to go. I don't think there's any word for it other than evil. I know people who felt the same way but they contented themselves, they stepped up as fathers and they can't think of anything else, but its been 2 years already and I don't see myself changing that way. I don't know what to do, I know there's nothing to do, this is more important than anything but I hate it and myself so much.