I just lost a friend and replacement dad and i hate myself

I am super angry at myself. I was drunk as fuck. I was doing well, losing weight, having my house organised, i was doing well. I just woke up after having finished my 7th bottle of wine. I was drunk 4 days in a row, because i knew that he would die yesterday. He had cancer and his planned death day was yesterday.

He was the father of my best friend, who died 4 years ago due to cancer. He helped me a lot when my own dad ignored me and followed his dick when his girlfriend tried to poinon me (she put a half a bottle parfume in my drink). I am not dealing well with his death. Im angry at myself for drinking so much.

I made my mother cry because im being so stupid. Why cant i find a normal way to mourn?

I asked one of my friends to come over. She did. We watched a few films together. I have a crush on her. She knows but its not both ways. She let me put my head on her lap and stroke her leg. She didnt really want that and im now aftaid i hurt her feelings. She said she wants to meet up again when im better.

I have since thanked her for coming over and apologised for putting her in a situation she didnt want to be in. I have also promised to stay 3 feet away from her and not to touch her again.

I hate myself so much right now. I wish i could die, but without anyone knowing it was my wish to die.

Also im already in theraphy for drinking to much and struggling with life.