I want to harm myself so badly

Hey everyone,

I started selfharming back in 2017. Since 2019 I harmed myself every day, then my friends reported me to the school and I needed to stop. I am not clean bc when my mood got very very bad I definitely harmed myself in the past again with blades, sometimes when mood wasn't too bad with hitting or other methods where you won't have a visible result (very unsatisfying ngl). Every relationship I was in, also in my current one, my partner obv didn't want me to self harm. My last partner even said that they would leave if I do it. All of this is understandable but not a help when things get bad bc I can't surpress the need to self harm. I am currently looking for a therapist but until I'm not 'cured' this behavior won't change. Now to my problem: In the last few months live was very stressful with a lot of 'disappointments'. I am currently working on my bachelor's thesis and it's pretty rough. Most of the days I want to harm myself. Every day the need gets more intense. I began to hit myself but its kinda noisy. A few days ago I started to scratch myself with sizzors. The marks vanish pretty quick and give a very slight relief but not enough. I really don't know how long I can hold it back because the thoughts get worse and worse and I can't tell anyone because they don't understand it. It drives me crazy that no one can understand the feeling so telling them won't help (they just tell me to stop etc) and that I can't cut myself bc I would hurt people. That's why I wrote this post: I hope that someone on here can understand my feeling...