I started respecting myself and it's going south now

hi, I've been under confident, a people's pleaser and a person with low self esteem most of my life. I never had what you can call best friends, I never experienced friendliness, security of any sense from anyone not even from my parents, my parents played a major role in inducing the thing that I have to always please everyone, live upto other people standards as my I have to think everytime that what would my father think. If i ever said or opened up to them it turned into a fight and my mother becoming angry and not talking to me.

Uni has been more lonely I have friends but not that I can tell them anything or like most of the things, they sideline me in most of the things. But this summer before the start of my 5th semester I somehow became friends with two people and they cared about me genuinely, not like the others, they talked to me and were too nice with me which I really loved and had the best time of my life. This was the first time someone showed me affection so in order to not lose them I lied sometimes that 'yeah I'm free let's meet and shit' I respected them, helped them in every way I could and never asked nor expected anything in return nor did they provide anything, after sometimes it started to feel like one of them only hit me up when no one else is available or they have some work from me. Instead of loving myself I started loving them. There were 1-2 incidents where they really hurt me at one point I cried for 2 hours in the shower at 4 AM. I was really pissed at them, I tried ignoring them but couldn't. I had every reason to be pissed at them but 2-3 days later I started defending them and finding flaws in my ideology. They were aware of the thing and apologised too over text but their apology is just a surface level sorry and all anyone can tell that it's not coming from their heart and they really feel bad for doing the deed. It became normal after a week.

last week they again hurt me which later turned to an argument from their side, they kept on screaming at me while i was all calm and listening to them, but they won't listen to me. That night I went into a spiral that how everyone uses me and how I don't respect and love myself how can i expect anyone else to love and respect me. I recollected all the time everyone who i assumed to be my friend has hurt me how my parents moulded me this way. I decided to start new and respect myself and not let those people feed on me anymore, next day I get a call from them and they say sorry in the same hollow pre coded manner that they screamed and was mean to me. This made me more angry and I started telling them everything that 'how you guys don't treat me well and how I do everything in the club(oh yes we both are coordinators in the same club) and still you guys blame me and I come off as the bad guy in the end'. 3-4 days went by I was okay, after that I saw them in one of the lectures and something sparked in me and again I started contemplating that how I went over the line, I wanted to have a mature discussion at first then when they were calm I started screaming. Now I feel really terrible, I don't know what I should do next. Something inside me wants this to sort out because they were the only 'friends' i had but I fear that I'll turn back into that loser that I was. I want to work on myself but a lack of people to talk to and this crippling anxiety and loneliness is killing me. I do not know what to do. Please help me clear my mind what should i do. I want to be better.