How to unprogram self loathing and reprogram love and laughter?

Trigger warning for s-ideations. Bit about me if interested:

Not that the DSM-5 is the bible or in any way accurate, but I have diagnosed ADHD and moderate BPD traits (both quiet and internalised) with the obvious side dishes of anxiety/depression. I’m very high functioning, high achieving, social, fit and ambitious…

But it doesn’t take much for me to have s-ideations, freak out from jealousy, and interpret everything through the lens that others think I am worthless if I do not reach their expectations. Friends and previous partners project a lot onto me and put me on a pedestal (because of my high achievements and discipline) and it’s distressing because I know I’ll inevitably disappoint them when they realise I am not what they imagine me to be (very damaged goods). For this reason, I keep people distant enough that I can be flawed privately and recharge my battery so to upkeep my mask. I identify as being the family scapegoat (I know this is victim narrativey) but I’m truly different in my interests, values, opinions, lifestyle… I’m the only artist in the family and the type of work I make is bawdy and socially critiquing. I was treated very different to my sister, they put a LOT more money into her upbringing and interests than mine and it’s a big point of contention for me, even now as an adult (e.g. she did ballet/dance classes 5 days a week and I only was allowed school sport because they ‘couldn’t afford’ guitar or surfing lessons, they bought her a car etc.) I was raised on narcissistic values (public image, manipulating others through grandiose generosity and people pleasing) which I both internalised yet reject- which also made me a target of scrutiny. Nothing I did ever seemed good enough, even though I was often a school leader, top player, top 5% of my class… my mother never celebrated this, she always had a dig at me about something else like my room being messy, or pull faces if I ever expressed a need or desire. She loves to scoff

I feel like a lot of messaging I filter in is that I am worthless if not the best, and even if I am the best then I am an imposter or unimportant. Hence the s-ideations cos how could I ever win with this cycle of thought? But I run on this program. And the thing about deciding to let it go, means detaching my ego from ambition… I know that will be peaceful but maybe it’s not peace that I want necessarily. I still want to achieve. Id just like to experience a little less self hatred, the ability to pick my battles, and to feel joy and satisfaction most of the time