Does he have two wives or two daughters?

SD16 has been here for only a few days and I’m going insane. Everything I say about her behaviour, DH tries to talk to her about, only to come back from the conversation saying he’s not taking sides, calling both of us selfish, and then saying he’s checking out of it and we both need to deal with it. Which is basically taking SD’s side because she doesn’t consider anyone except herself so just goes about her life regardless.

Examples include:

SD took BS17 over to her mum’s to open gifts on Christmas morning, and he came back with a crazy amount of stuff as did she. She presented DH with his gift and of course didn’t acknowledge me and BD at all. I said something to DH about that being rude, he argues with SD about it, comes back in a bad mood, and says both of us need to stop being childish and next year he’ll force her to get us gifts.

SD found it hilarious to wind her dog up to snap at BD15 and when I had the “audacity” to say something about it, she tattled to DH that I hate her dog. When I disputed this (I don’t hate her dog, I’m scared of it), he said he’s not refereeing a fight about an animal and that both SD and I are just using this as an excuse to be dramatic.

Today DH informs me that she will be having friends over to get ready for their NYE party. When I express to DH that I don’t really want a bunch of teenagers in the house on our NYE afternoon who will be drinking (it’s legal here), he says to just ignore them. Then he runs and tells her what I said, I guess to tell her that they need to not make a mess, and she tells him I’m just bitter BD wasn’t invited. Am I said for my daughter? Yes, because she’s sad. But I’m not bitter, I know you can’t force people to be friends. But my husband falls for this hook, line and sinker and tells me he’s sick of this petty drama.

Every single time, she and I get lumped together as both causing the problem and it rubs me the wrong way. I can’t tell if he’s treating her like his wife or me like his child but either way I feel disrespected. I’m considering everyone In the home while keeping a house running, while she’s 16 and just doing whatever she feels like - we are not the same. But DH seems to think I have no more maturity or responsibility than her.

I’m so tired of fighting my corner in my own home, literally exhausted. And I know it’s my fault because I care too much and I do need to feel “in charge” as the matriarch, and it’s hard to let go of that every few weeks when she’s here. It’s upheaval, it’s stressful. And DH doesn’t understand any of it because his place in the household is never threatened.