How do I react to all this?

Me (38M) and my wife (38M) have been married more than 10 years, together for 13, and we have two great kids (7 and 5).

We always had a very good marriage, lots of experiences together and a very healthy sex life. My wife is a very beautiful, outgoing woman who always gets a lot of attention from other men because of her looks and positive attitude. But I always was aware of the fact that she is deep down a very insecure person, who needs lots of validation from others, and had developed the habit of being very friendly and borderline flirty with other people, in particular men, to be universally liked. In addition with her inability to really say what she wants and to say no and set clear borders, this has sometimes caused issues between us, and also in her past. At every job she had before we met, bosses/coworkers tried to flirt with her and approach her sexually, and she sometimes even let some kisses happen.

Two years ago, my wife started her first 30hrs/week job after doing some part-time work while/after staying at home while the kids were little. I had a very hard time dealing with the fact that she was investing all her time into her new work (working 50, 60 hrs a week, coming home at 10, even though she was employed for 30 hrs), especially given her history and her personality, and my jealousy, and I didn't react very well. I was not 100% aware of my feelings back then, I thought I can trust her and I was mainly concerned she would get herself in stupid situations that ruins a workplace she likes for her, and unfortunately, I made her feel bad for coming home that late and not helping enough with the kids, renovating the new house we just bought, and my full-time job.

She felt I was jealous and did not support her enough in her new career, I wasn't really sure myself why I had such issues with her working so much (thanks to COVID, I was able to manage the kids, our house renovation and my job, because I worked from home, so that wasn't the issue). Now I know that I wasn't able to fully trust her.

Also, from the beginning, I saw that her direct supervisor was making advances towards her. They went out drinking two times until 2 in the morning, coming home really drunk, but she said they just talked.

Over the last year, she admitted step by step that she had started texting with multiple coworkers about stuff that goes far beyond professional behavior. To me, she was obviously flirting with them, she said she was just being friendly and that she didn't do anything wrong. But she didn't stop texting when two of them wrote straight out "I love you"...

When all this came out, I was extremely hurt. I felt like I was putting all my time and energy in our family and the dream house she always wanted, sometimes working until 2, 3 am in the morning on the house after finishing my full-time job.

Summer came, we finished the renovation, moved into the new house, but somehow our relationship never felt 100% right for me. A few days ago, she finally came clean with everything that had happened and that she hid from me:

  • At one company overnight event, one of the coworkers she texted with asked her if he can sleep in her bed with her, and she did not dare to say "no", so she allowed it and hated herself for it, but nothing else happened (sounds crazy, but I believe her)
  • The first time she went out with her boss, she got so drunk that she is not 100% sure what happened, but she thinks he kissed her. And she remembers that he touched her between her legs on the car ride home, but she did not want that and tried to put his hand away the whole ride.
  • Once after that, in the office, she and her boss started to make out for a few minutes, she was even grinding on his penis (but they were fully clothed)
  • The same day they went out again, and he tried to finger her in a public park, although she repeatedly said "stop" and "no"
  • Once after the, she was drunk and kissed him on a work event
  • After another work event, they kissed again.
  • The last thing that happened was that after work they had drinks, her boss was really drunk and insisted she brings him home in another coworkers car. On the back seat, he tried to touch her again, kiss her, and she had to use a lot of force to keep him off. This was the last time anything happened.

All this was about a year ago, and learning all this now was a huge shock for me to say the least. Knowing her very well, I was always worried that because of her personality, she might get into uncomfortable situations where e.g. people would try to kiss her or something like that, and make work a horrible place for her, but I would have never in my wildest dreams imagined anything like this.

I really do believe her now that this is all and everything that happened, and she is willing to go to court over it if we decide to. I also believe her that none of this ever felt good to her, she was crying so much secretly while all this was going on.

But I have a very hard time dealing with my own feelings. I am incredibly hurt of course, feel betrayed, I wonder what I did wrong to even make the thought of kissing a very abusing person seem better than telling me the truth. Was all this a coping mechanism for her to deal with being abused by her boss? What of all this did she really want to happen? Am I misjudging everything?

She was so afraid of losing me that she kept everything a secret for so long, but now that she finally came clean, a part of me is also relieved, because 1) I understand my feelings much better, and 2) I have the impression that she finally acknowledged that there are lots of issues she has to work on.

She started therapy now, I will also have my first session soon, and we both want to make our marriage work, since we both love each other and still have an incredible connection and chemistry. But I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, sometimes I see her as the victim in all this, then again I am so hurt because of all the hiding, lies and trickle-truthing. Any advice for me?

UPDATE: What she has done since telling me everything

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  • Quit her job immediately
  • reported everything to HR, so the boss was also fired
  • started therapy
  • showing true remorse
  • told me she wants to try to save our marriage, on my terms
  • doing everything in her power to make me believe this was all that happened

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SECOND UPDATE:

Despite everyone telling me that I should not believe that this is everything, I do. I was there during the HR meetings, phone calls with the boss who confirmed etc., so the boss part is rock solid. The "sleeping in the bed" story is crazy, but I believe it too, since everything lines up, she confessed this to a good friend immediately afterwards, at she even would go as far as calling the dude.

I nowhere said she is not at fault, and I don't think I am making excuses, and neither is she. She alone is accountable for this mess that she put me, our family and herself in, but she wants to make things right.

So, you are not helping by saying I am stupid for believing it...assuming all is true, what would you do?