Hey, so how are we not losing our shit?

I decided to post as a rant/vent rather than a question. I'm open to any insight. However, it's still mostly venting.

I.am.so.mentally.drained. I never thought it would be this hard. I've worked with kids, either nannying or working at daycares, since I was 16 years old. Having your own is so different, and to be honest, I've only ever met one other toddler as difficult as mine.

He doesn't show any signs of being on the spectrum or anything. Idk why he's so emotional and has such a short fuse. It's hard not to blame myself and think it's my parenting, but I'm trying to remind myself that he has been this way quite literally since he exited the womb. Also, I have a 9 month old, and he is the polar opposite. Literally rarely cries unless he's tired and is just ALWAYS smiling and happy. Such an easy baby.

Bruh, my 2.5 year old is just SO MUCH. He was as a baby too, but as you can imagine, the toddler phase so far is not lit, lol.

I do wanna say he is also SO SWEET AND FUN I JUST ADORE HIM! He does the funniest stuff, and he loves to play. He always kices snuggles, kisses, and hugs. He is (usually) sweet to his brother and kisses and hugs him. He tries to comfort him when he's crying. Unfortunately, I feel like these moments are just much less than the more difficult times. And yes, actually less. Not like negativity bias, where you just notice the negatives more often, and it feels like it's more often.

From the moment this child wakes up, it's a struggle. He wants the wrong season clothes and cries for 15 minutes. He eats breakfast and throws everything on the floor, and makes a mess. Doesn't matter how many times I try to correct it, discipline him, nothing. He wants constant direct attention, and if you're busy doing something else or tending to his brother, he cries and freaks out or, at the very least, whines nonstop until you're done. Doesn't matter if you explain or ignore. He'll go on forever. 15 minutes, 30 minutes, and an hour. He doesn't have a limit. God forbid he wants something he can't have, or he wants something to go a certain way that you can't or won't do. Complete melt down. Right now, he's pissed because he wanted to go outside with dad. Dad is cleaning the deck. He wants dad to come down into the yard with him, but dad explained he's cleaning the deck right now. Dad told him he could go down in the yard, but right now, he's gonna stay up here and clean. He's pissed and freaking out. Earlier today, he wanted to play with chalk inside but not on the chalkboard. Freak out. We have a pet rock we sometimes let him play with. He literally had it in his hands and just started crying and saying, "My rock." Never figured out what was wrong there. When we watch TV, we ask him 100 times what he wants to watch. He will finally say yes to something, and then it's immediately "no" and whining. We do this 4 or 5 times until finally we are like ok sorry this is what you're watching, sorry. Then he cries until eventually we just turn it off and do something else. After nap time is literally hell on earth. He sleeps great and the entire length of his nap time. When he wakes up, though, it's non-stop drama and melt downs until bedtime. For whatever reason, I guess because he's tired, the last like 20 minutes before bedtime is blissful. He's snuggly and nice and just happy to watch TV with us and play. Usually tickling each other, gentle play wrestling on the couch, etc.

Anyway, I know this is long. Like I said, this is mostly to vent.

I feel horrible because now I feel like I'm making it worse because I am burning out and having less patience and less energy to actually play with him. Like, I just want to sit and disassociate all day. I have like 1% in me to sit down with this child and play with him for 5 minutes at a time before he's whining and tantruming about something.

Oh, and did I mention he goes to daycare all day 4 days a week. I am not even a SAHM that's with him 24/7. Just Fridays-Sundays. And yes, we do try to regularly plan outings/actual fun things to do outside the house when the kids are home on the weekends. It's just a little harder now that it's winter.

These 3 days being home with them all day are more recently like torture. I hate saying that. I love my toddler so freaking much. Those few sweet moments he has throughout the day just fill me with joy and pride, and that's what carries me. But, damn....I am so burnt out. At least they both sleep well, so I'm not physically tired. I get 8 hours of sleep every night, but mentally, I'm just so drained and burnt out. The crying, whining, tantruming....it just never ever ever ends. I get jealous of my friends because they seem to have such chill toddlers. My best friend told me her 1.5 year old has had one tantrum so far where he was inconsolable for more than like 5 minutes, and she just had to wait it out. When I hang out with my friends, their toddlers are so good at playing by themselves or just like nicely asking to play with their parents and then moving on to the next thing. They might get frustrated regularly and fussy a little but a little redirection and love and boom. They're over it and moving on. Not my kid. Sigh....Anyway, if you read all this, I commend you and appreciate it.