My bf left me for his ex

Thats it. There is no nuance. He left me to be with his ex. I am holding all my tears in because for some reason, I feel like if I cry, I will let him go.

I am not obsessively stalking him, not calling him up. Every day I am doing my work, trying to keep it as normal as it is. Nobody around me knows I had a breakup. I didnt drink, smoke. I am clinically depressed and I have frequent suicidal thoughts. But for some reason, I am preventing such thoughts as well. There is a pain, that is inside my chest, that feels as real as a physical pain. And I am holding it in.

It feels like I am carrying a tea cup filled to its brim while riding on a unicycle. I am trying so hard not to spill this hurt and pain outside. I didnt tell my friends, closed ones, nobody. I dont clearly understand my motivation for doing any of this but this is what I am doing.

He broke up the day after I decided my SSRIs are not working. The day after I wrote a love poem about him. He broke my heart twice and I dont even know what to feel. Everything about us was so perfect. We were so sassy with each other, we always one upped our inside jokes, no self deprecating humour under our roof. We wanted the same thing for our futures and then he didnt.

Everything seemed going good. We had awesome s*x life as well. I cannot look my body in my mirror without thinking about him. My favourite tee and my backpack still smells like his cologne. Our catchphrases are still on the tip of my tongue. We just had so much "our stuff", our jokes, our movies, our music, our food, our way of intimacy. I think "every lovers feel this way, like they are inventing something new".

I know about his past trauma, about how he looks at me from the corner of his eyes, how his face changes when he doesn't like something, how much he loves his mum and hates his dad, how he is around his friends, how he nods his head when he listens to his bop. I can tell his mood from a simple "hi" text. The day before we broke up, I found out we are gonna, from just his text, and I braced myself for the inevitable end.

He is moving to his favourite city for work and she is working there too. So I expected this could happen. They had something more valuable than what we had. Atleast that's what I think. They lived together for a year. We have never even said the L word.

I wish he gave us the time that we deserved. If he had given us the time he gave to their relationship, we might have been something more. He's got a job, his gf, his friends and he is mending his relationship with his family as well. When we met, we were both miserable. Now I am in this pit alone. I am happy he got to climb out of it, but I wish he took me with him. I was happy with him. He made my mundane days less mundane.

I am tired of this process. I am the kind of person that wears their heart on their sleeves and always never afraid to love. But this time, I am honestly so exhausted. I put in so much efforts, I gave my all, my heart was always on the table. I thought so was his.

He knows everything about me, warts and all. So did I. Maybe I more than him. I dont want to find someone new, open up to them about my childhood trauma, kiss their neck, make empty promises to remember us, write love poems, write breakup poems, I don't wanna do this all over again. Everything always works and then it doesnt.

TL;DR: We couldve been so good together, but he left me for his ex. Maybe I am the buffer person in a romcom who the Main character dates before they realize their true love. I am tired of this.