You won’t read this

And you didn’t reach out, again. You won’t even know how much i’m hurting. I can’t sleep. I can’t stand the idea of letting you go. I don’t want to, but i’m doing it anyway. That’s why this pain is here in my chest. I don’t understand what happened. I feel you and i’m heartbroken.

That clip on my phone is killing me. I just keep replaying it over and over again. Looking at the expressions on your face. And The sound of our voices and laughter. The softness, the hands, the eyes, everything. Is killing me and i can’t stop. Because thats how i am. I obsess over things, i overthink, i overfeel. I feel things on a deep level with all my soul, that’s just who i am. And i keep watching the clip, the pics, i read our texts… because i don’t want to let go. I don’t want to miss you, to end things.

I want to hug you. laugh with you.

I’m angry, sad and boring right now. I know i will be different when we meet again. I know you’ll notice. I know you will ask what’s wrong with me. Just one time. Or maybe, just maybe, you’ll be sweet as you were before? Maybe you’ll realize something is off and you will look at me straight in the eyes and ask again? Maybe you care? Maybe we will hug and forget everything? Maybe not. Maybe you won’t even notice.

… i can’t find the words. Last night i ranted and cryed. I cryed all night til i fell asleep. Today i’m just numb in my pain. Overthinking and longing for you. I don’t want you to be a memory. Please do something. Anything. Please? Please let me be just crazy. Say everything’s ok. Please…. Say everything’s ok.

Thank god for music. It makes me feel less alone. I know i’m too much. I know. These emotions are too much. But i can’t pretend to be somebody i’m not. And you were there even knowing i’m like this. You’ve always been so sweet.

I want to say so many things but i keep repeating the same.

Hug me…i miss you. The worst thing is you don’t even imagine what’s happening inside of me, what i’m feeling, how much i truly care about you.

And you won’t read this. You’ll never know that you broke my heart. I’ll keep watching you whenever you’re facing the other way. I’ll keep noticing how you smile instantly whenever we lock eyes. And i’ll keep hurting while you continue to pretend not to care. Even if you’re pretending, it still hurts so much, because you choose to do so. But your eyes , even if you act differently, your eyes can’t lie. And even if i’m aware of all of this, even if i feel with all my heart and soul that you’re still there, somewhere, you’re not here with me anymore. You’re choosing to pretend, to be the cool guy, to be the stronger one. You’re choosing to ruin everything and i don’t know if i can forgive you. Everything is changing and i can’t stand it. i really hope you won’t let me decide to move on. right now i’m pathetic and ridiculous, but once i move on, you’re dead to me. I will always love you but you’ll be in another space in my heart. And i don’t want to do that. That’s why i’m a mess in this moment… i want to keep you in my life and give you my love. All of it. •

“It just keeps me wonderin’, this goddamn silence - it just keeps me going insane “