Internalised mononormativity and loneliness

Hope none of my IRLs see this.

I'm single but saying that feels weird because polyamory and relationship anarchy has brought so much complex relationships in my life that I am grateful for and deeply appreciate.

I do have a lot of internalised mononormativity due to media. What used to alienate me before, makes me feel like I'm missing out on something now.

Being alone in a big city is also not helping with it. When the people I'm dating have primary partners that they consistently prioritize over and show up for more than they do for me, it just stings.

And then the thought that I want somebody for me, I want somebody to put me first keeps coming up in my mind and it's just so gutting. My self esteem is clearly affected as well. I don't know how to deal with this.